Alternative Father and Son Bonding Time.

Andrew was exited to start his new year on the high school football team. But he still needed to obtain a few things; gloves, cleats, and extra pads. As his family was preparing for a short road trip he asked, “Hey Dad, can we check out Dick’s on the way”.
Ooops Dick’s Sporting Goods.

Yesterday

It was me! I am the comb trendsetter.

Popularity Pros and Combs

Connie seemed to know everyone. She couldn’t go anywhere without running into someone she knew. Her family would tease her saying, “Why don’t you stay in the car. We are in a hurry and can’t risk you finding a friend.” It was so much that even on every vacation, hundreds of miles from home they would run into Connie’s friends. One afternoon, Connie was in the produce section of the grocery store, and saw a woman in the bakery looking intently at her. She was seemingly determining from where she knew her. Connie couldn’t quite place the connection either. So she steered her cart down toward the bakery to figure it out. The closer she came the harder the woman stared. But when she was nearly there the woman took off rather quickly. Connie left the store unsatisfied. She wanted to figure out who the woman was. When she got home she stopped by the mirror and noticed that there were 2 rather large combs sticking out of her hair. She had picked up the house before leaving and had stuck the combs in her hair to free her hands for other items. The woman had not been trying to figure out a past acquaintance, she had been trying to determine if it was really combs in Connie’s hair and if by some freak chance this was a new and lasting style.

Yesterday

Rated "L" for Liar.

Why We Have Movie Ratings

Jazzmin was 8 years old when her parents were watching “Buried Alive”. Jazzmin came in and watched the movie with them. She was horrified. 5-6 months later she was getting ready for bed when she heard her Uncle Clint say to her parents that his professors were trying to bury him alive. She quietly snuck up the stairs… crawled across her parent’s bedroom floor… and reach up to the phone on the nightstand and dialed 911. “911 is this an emergency?” “Yes someone is trying to kill my Uncle.” “OK Sweetie, who is trying to kill your Uncle?” “His college.”

Yesterday

Thank Heaven for Lysol!

Pregnancy Peril

Brandy was 11 weeks into her pregnancy with her fourth child. That meant she finally had to break down and buy the “dreaded minivan”. She and her husband found a reasonably priced one being sold “by owner” so they went to check it out. While they were at this families house the mother there told Brandy that she looked pale, and having heard she was in her first trimester had offered her soda crackers. Brandy ate them gratefully and then asked to use the restroom. While in there she had an EXPLOSIVE moment and the smell made her gag and vomit. She did her best to clean up but with no cleaners in the room she had to confess what had happened.

Yesterday

Yes "Painfully" True.

No Pets Allowed

Diana was serving an LDS mission in Montreal Canada. She and her companion were teaching a single man the “Law of Chastity”. He had many questions and as they were talking about inappropriate relations prior to marriage, Diana was trying to tell him that petting was not permitted, but she could not recall the French word for petting. Now in French speaking Canada most people know a lot of English and so it is usually ok to substitute a French word with the English version. The man they were teaching was very confused and asked why he was not allowed to pet before marriage. Diana and her companion explained that this is what the Lord has asked us to do. The man said, “But I have urges and physical needs”. “Well these urges must be suppressed. We are in command of our bodies they are not in command of us.” was their reply. The Man grew anxious and asked the missionaries to leave and would not let them contact him again. As Diana and her companion were evaluating what went wrong with this lesson it dawned on them that the English word they used in place of the French word was pet. Pet in French means fart. This poor man thought he would not be allowed to fart until he got married

Yesterday

I am "relieved" to tell you it was made up.

Ahhh The Sounds of Diet Coke in the Evening

Karen was PTA President at her local school. Just before the meeting started she hurried and downed the better part her 36 oz Diet Coke that she had been using to cool her from the oppressive heat and anxiety of the day. As she went on stage to welcome the parents and teachers to the meeting, and conduct the evening’s business, she said, “Ladies and Gen AAAAAARRRRUUUP............ please welcome Megan our Vice President to conduct the meeting”.

Yesterday

Rats! I lied again.

Grandma ratted out.

Tara took her 4 year old daughter Anna to a pet store to pick out a pet rat that she had been asking for, for weeks. Life was happy with the rat until one Sunday when Grandma and Grandpa came to visit. Anna put the rat on Grandpa’s head. So Grandpa put the rat back in its cage. Anna got the rat back out and put it Grandpa’s head…. Round and round they went until Grandpa finally asked, “Why do you think the rat wants to sit on me”? Anna simply replied, “Grandma told Mommy that the rat you wear on your head was as good as dead. So Mommy and I got you a new one”.

Yesterday

The coach was indeed left hanging.

Insert dial tone here…..

Mike called his favorite radio station and the radio host answered, “You are on the air with ______, what do you say”? Mike said, “I love the song The Sun Aint Gonna Shine No More”. The Radio host replied, “That IS a great song. But do you have anything to say to _____ on The Coach’s Show”? Insert dial tone here…..

Yesterday

We don't lift our skirts up in church, and niether does Travis.

Dragon Eye Disaster

11 year old Travis was in a group of about 45 kids in church. They were singing songs. The leader had placed all the kids’ names on tounge depressors and would draw one out at a time in order to allow the children a chance for picking their favorite song. Travis had brought with him a “precious” marble called a dragon eye. He was triing to let his friends sneak a peek at it, when he accidently dropped it. The marble rolled a few seats over. So he sank down out of his chair and retrived it from the floor. Just then the leader pulled his name out of the jar and called “TRAVIS”. He popped right up off the floor where he was, taking his teacher’s skirt along with him.

Yesterday

I helped build that shed. Grrrn!

I'll Huff and I'll Puff and I'll Let My Kid Drive.

David’s family had been so kind to give up several Saturdays to help him complete building a nice shed. The shed was finally done and looked fabulous. A few days later he decided to have his 9 year old son pull the truck into the driveway. The innocent 9 year old took off like his Nintendo life depended on it, and crushed the shed. Nice going David!

Yesterday

It was a fabulous fabrication.

Midnight Miracle

Marc and his best friend, Levi would often sneak out the house when Marc slept over at Levi’s house to hit the dark holes of the nearby golf course. One of night Marc cracked a drive that landed on the putting green less than a foot from the hole. They both hit the ground laughing because who could they tell? Marc’s Dad was an ex-marine and would have his butt if he knew is his son had participated in “ANY” illegal activities. On the next hole Levi connected with his ball and as he tells it, “Angels of warning must have carried that ball because it landed right in the hole”. Now it was cemented. They could tell not a sole. Levi’s dad was the Bishop of the local religious congregation, and any story concerning him or any member of his family somehow spread like mayonnaise. This of course was the last midnight golf game they ever played.

yesterday

So sad so true.

Would you like rice and beans Ma'am?

Lannie went to a Mexican restaurant and ordered 2 beef enchiladas. The waitress asked “Would you like that ala cart”? Lannie said again “2 beef enchiladas”. The waitress patiently replied, “OK, ala cart”. Now Lannie was angry. “Listen to me! I just want 2 beef enchiladas”.

Yesterday

Story was straight.

Put it Down Gently

Bonnie worked for an airline. On the last call of her late night shift, the caller asked, “Do you fly directly into the Oakland airport”. Bonnie replied, “Well we do generally aim for the runway”.

Yesterday

Adam is safe cuz it never happened.

New Moon Too soon

Adam was having a few of his friends from his high school basketball team over for a movie and video game night. His Mom and Dad would be gone for the earlier part of the evening at a movie. 5 of the guys were already there but they were waiting on 2 more that had agreed to come over. As they heard them pull into the driveway Adam suggested, “Hey, let’s moon them as they walk past the window”. All 6 stood at the window and dropped their jeans and boxers, as Adam pulled the cord for the blinds. This was followed by a shrill shriek and a full name yelled as Adam’s Mom walked in the door to retrieve the forgotten print out of their movie tickets.

Yesterday

Dogone Dice is a down right lie!

Dogone Dice

Paul went to the dog groomers to pick up Dice, their 2 year old Chihuahua. Dice was less than happy with Paul all the way home. And throughout the day he wanted little to do with Paul or the family. Worse yet, he was marking. Paul was beside himself and finally locked Dice up for the night. Of course he whined excessively. So they moved his create to the bathroom and closed the door. The next day Paul called him and while scratching Dice’s belly noticed that while at the groomer’s they had also neutered him. He immediately called the groomer to get Dice back and return someone else’s dog.

Yesterday

Yes not only did it happen, it was ME!

1 Forgotten, 4 “Cemented”

Guinevere took a school sponsored driver’s education course in high school. Out on the driving range, (a converted parking lot), was an approximately 8 x 10 feet concrete curb filled with weeds. Every year, without fail, some dopey kid would pop a wheel up over the curb and in to “THE PIT”. Class would halt so they could pull the car back out and all would be forgotten. Guinevere apparently did not get the memo about 1 wheel, because one rainy afternoon she slipped off the break onto the gas pedal and broke a school record. All four wheels in “THE PIT”. Grover High Driver’s Ed teachers still tell this story.

Yesterday

Too dumb to be made up.

Morton's Magnificent Coco

Maggie looked out the window one snowy afternoon. She thought “Hot chocolate would be a nice treat for my kids after a cold walk home from the bus”. She started boiling the water and looked at the clock. She was out of time. So she added some salt to the water to speed it to boiling. The kids were happy as they received their warm cup on entering the house. But after the first sip, their faces turned down. “Um Mom thanks for the treat but I think the hot chocolate went bad. It tastes funny”.
“Funny? Really”?
“Yeah, like salty”.

Yesterday

Ohhh yea I confess I made it up.

"In Your Face Baby"!

Dallin was proud to be a new father and was good at it, most of the time. But after a long night of studying for his Anatomy final, and dealing with a crying 6 month old, who was too hungry to sleep, and too sleepy to eat, he had finally had enough. He held the baby’s bottle up to his face and in the voice of his toughest football coach demanded at him, “SUCK IT UP”!

Yesterday

Yep It really happened.

Dear Instant Mesasage, May I try again?

Braxton sent an instant message to one of his employees asking her to watch a 5 minute training video before her next shift. The employee IMed back simply, “EXCUSE ME”? He re-read his message and found that he’d left the “f” out of SHIFT.

Yesterday

I admit it. Its a total lie.

Tee shirt pick up line

Derek, who still lived at home with Mom and Dad, grabbed a blue tee shirt out of the dryer to wear under his AE button down and headed out to his favorite club already to pick up chicks. After a few minutes of dancing he found himself well overheated. So he removed the button down. His night was a total chick hunting failure. On the way home his friend said, “Dude! Your shirt says “My Husband conquered The Big Texan 72 ouncer””.

Yesterday

TRUE

Clueless 101

Brad reached into the dishwasher and found a plastic funnel looking device. He held it up and then asked the family what it was. Before they could answer he put it up to his mouth and did his best Darth Vader impression, “Luke I am your father”… His sister, a new mother replied, “Um that’s my breast pump”.

Yesterday

TRUE

How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Sarah was driving home from work, driving well over the speed limit. A Utah Highway Patrol car signaled her to pull over. As the officer approached, Sarah thought maybe she would soften him up with a little flirtation. She rolled down her window and sweetly asked the officer if he was wanting to invite her to the Policeman's Ball. He immediately replied, "Ma'am, I'm Utah Highway Patrol, we don't have balls". He then realized what he said, turned bright red, and left at high speed.